


Purple, Yellow and Green

by cazmalfoy



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Gen, Gwen!Bashing, M/M, Not for Gwen fans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 20:18:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6580744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazmalfoy/pseuds/cazmalfoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If ever there was a reason not to eat mysterious Easter Eggs...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Purple, Yellow and Green

**Author's Note:**

> This is NOT for Gwen fans, or Gwen/Jack fans. In fact I'd go so far as to say there is some serious Gwen bashing happening in this story.

The Easter eggs were strange. Even outstripping Jack’s definitions of strange.  
  
They were larger than any other Easter eggs the team had seen; even bigger than an ostrich egg.  
  
And they were purple. Purple with yellow and green spots.  
  
Ianto had tried to reason that the colouring was just the foil they were wrapped in. But none of them had managed to rid the chocolate eggs from their wrapping and they had been forced to think of another explanation.  
  
Tosh had tried running various tests on the eggs, but they had all come up with the same answer; they were chocolate eggs with no detectable signs of Rift energy.  
  
Owen was nowhere to be found and unreachable by phone – something Jack was going to have serious words with him about. If he remembered.  
  
Jack wasn’t too bothered about where the eggs had come from; as long as they weren’t dangerous to the team he really couldn’t bring himself to care about their presence.  
  
Gwen, on the other hand, took it upon herself to find out where the eggs had come from. She contacted every chocolate manufacturer she could think of, only to find that none of them sold eggs that were made out of purple, yellow and green chocolate. One company even suggested she seek medical help if she was seeing multicoloured chocolate.  
  
Finally, after exhausting all her other options, the former police officer was forced to admit defeat. The eggs were just what they appeared to be: Easter eggs.  
  
Three days later, Owen was back at work – having used the excuse that he had been ill on Jack, who seemed to believe him: much to Ianto’s amusement and Gwen’s annoyance (it was only her that was allowed to get away with that, damn it!) – and the eggs had been forgotten about.  
  
Tosh leant back in her chair, running her hand over the back of her neck tiredly. They had been working on the same case without a break for the past twenty-four hours and it was starting to show on all their faces.  
  
Ianto looked doubly tired, as did Jack; Tosh had a feeling she knew what was keeping them awake as they worked.  
  
Yawning widely, not bothering to cover her mouth, Gwen pushed her chair away from the desk and moved across the Hub.   
  
She was tired and needed some kind of sustenance. If Jack wasn’t going to give her the kind of sustenance she deserved, she knew she would just have to settle with raiding Ianto’s secret stash of biscuits.  
  
She knew where the biscuits were kept because she had seen the administrator hide them behind the breadbin as Jack snuck up on him and pinched his arse.  
  
Smirking to herself, Gwen pulled the breadbin forward triumphantly, only to find that there was nothing behind it.  
  
The woman scowled and pushed the box back into place before surveying the small kitchen. There had to be something she could eat to stave away the boredom.  
  
She began randomly pulling cupboards open, searching for something she could eat immediately; she could feel boredom and well as hunger growing inside of her.  
  
With a happy cry she sat down on the floor and pulled the carrier bag containing Easter Eggs from the cupboard. She had forgotten about their sudden appearance a few days earlier.   
  
Pulling the largest egg from the bag, she didn’t even hesitate before bringing the purple, yellow and green chocolate to her mouth. After all, Tosh’s tests had proven that they were nothing more than normal chocolate.  
  
She practically moaned as the delicious taste of cocoa exploded onto her tongue and before she knew it she was working her way through the whole bag.  
  
~  
  
When the others found her a short while later, they weren’t surprised to see that the entire bag had been emptied.  
  
Jack took one look at Gwen and laughed loudly, throwing his head back and laughing so hard tears actually spilled from the corners of his eyes.   
  
It wasn’t long before the laughter became infectious and the others were laughing just as hysterically.  
  
“It’s not funny!” Gwen cried, tears forming as she heard Jack laughing at her; she really didn’t care about the rest of them.  
  
“Yes, it is,” Ianto wheezed, leaning against Jack for support. To Gwen’s dismay, Jack wrapped an arm around his waist and held him as tight as he could.  
  
“Gwen,” Tosh hiccupped, trying to catch her breath. “You’re purple…”  
  
“With yellow and green spots,” Jack added, sending them all into another fit of giggles.  
  
“What the fuck was in those eggs?” Gwen demanded, tears now freely flowing as she looked at them all; she couldn’t believe they were laughing at her. Especially Jack. How could he? They were supposed to have something special – something better than what he had with Ianto.  
  
Owen glanced at the bag, wiping tears from his eyes. “What did they look like?” he asked, his chest heaving as he tried to breathe.  
  
“Like me, you idiot!” Gwen screamed, her face going – well, not red. Puce was probably more accurate.  
  
Jack held a hand up. “Whoa!” he cried. “There’s no need to call anyone names, Gwen,” he scolded.  
  
He turned to Owen. “Do you know where those eggs came from?” he asked.  
  
The doctor nodded his head. “I ordered them from this website – jokeeggs.com,” he informed them. “I thought they would be a laugh. They’re harmless enough,” the medic stated with a shrug.  
  
“Does it look like they’re harmless?” Gwen shouted up at him, clutching painfully at her hair.  
  
Ianto chuckled lightly. “It looks to me like the only thing they’ve done is turn your skin different colours.”  
  
“How long did they say the effects would last?” Tosh asked, muffling her own laughter with her hand.  
  
“Six weeks,” Owen replied with a confident nod of his head.  
  
Gwen breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s good,” she murmured. “I’m getting married in seven weeks. That gives me plenty of time to…”  
  
“Per egg,” Owen added with a smirk.  
  
This time Tosh couldn’t hold her laugh back and she had to step out of the kitchen to control herself.  
  
“ ‘Per egg’?” Gwen repeated. “But, Owen, I ate all four of them!”  
  
Jack laughed and rolled his eyes, “Looks like you won’t be getting married after all,” he stated. “Unless purple goes with your wedding dress.”


End file.
